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| 02:30pm 14/01/2007 |
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i fall alseep nightly to the motor that runs in my cats throat
it reminds me of the beating of your heart
its one of the only ways that sleep comes to me anymore
curled up inside the only shit of your i have
holding tightly onto our circle drapped around my neck
pressing my head hard against her belly
just with the hope that it will somewhat be like you are there
when my eyes are squeezed tight |
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| 07:22pm 20/11/2006 |
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empty words being spoken from the lips of faces with empty eyes
block it all out till you can hear that one voice
coming from the one with the sparkling eyes
his words are true
even when they hurt you, you know they are always true |
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| 04:13pm 29/09/2006 |
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batten down the hatches, we are in for one stormy night. at least that is what the look on her face seems to say these days. always trying to look confident and always trying to be strong and always trying to say the right things to him. he doesnt know shit about her. she tries her best to hide it all from him. and if he does have a any inkling of who she is, it's about the size of rat shit. just a few pellots. she prefers it that way. she'd rather wrap herself in her darkness and swallow every word that rises in her throat then let him in. let him down. didnt you know that about her? she will only let him down. its inevitable. its what she does, what she always does, and what she doesnt want to do to him. not to this man. the man who doesnt look down on her or thinks she's crazy or worthless. whatever trickery or magic or fairy dust caused their paths to cross and entwine, she doesnt want to mess with it. ruin it. send him packing his bags up and heading, no running for higher ground. he means too much to her. and there in lays her entire problem. she'd rather swallow her words. she'd rather face her inner storm. she'd rather stay in her shadows then frighten this man away with just three small words... |
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| 08-04-06 |
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| 01:42pm 20/09/2006 |
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in your eyes i see desire and fear
your fear out weighs your desire
it's the only conclusion i can come to
why else then would you have
your legs tangled up in mine
your arms drapped around my chest
but your face pulled as far away
in the other direction
as you can possibly twist
i wont go through this living hell again
if you long to hold me, HOLD ME!
hold me with everything you've got
i'm not stupid
i know you are leaving
i'm not trying to stop your train from moving on
but ever strong is my refusal
to let fear keep me from surrendering
to my desire |
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| 11:52am 25/08/2006 |
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there is a real difference that can be felt
through my entire body
that makes it feel like something other
than just a physical desire
getting satisfied
when someone actually
takes the time and makes the effort
to look me in the eye |
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| blind mans bluff |
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| 09:23am 16/03/2006 |
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going in blind
i'm not one to put things on hold
especially when you have me doing it blind
open your mouth
open your eyes
give me a sign
something besides myself to let me know
that i'm not wasting my time
if you dont its ok
i'll still be here waiting
deaf and blind
but waiting just the same
if its what you will be doing as well
a little piece of advice
keep my image behind your eyes
as i will do
so then whenever they close
you will be there
then maybe it wont be so hard
to be waiting
when you are deaf and blind |
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| the last few things that i have written |
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| 12:06pm 11/02/2006 |
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April 10 2005
The tingling in my stomach remains
Fluctuating between a pulsing throb and a dull pinch
That began before you even kissed me
From the moment our eyes locked
I knew that you were someone I wanted
Someone I needed
Like an old friend I’d once lost
It felt like we’ve been here before
Watching from side glances our every move
Burning with a desire for everyone else to fade
And we could begin to rediscover ourselves
You hand kneading my calf
My fingertips tracing the muscles in your back
Feeling you toes graze the place I most wish you to be
Your foot caressing my inner thigh
I long to be in your arms
Curled up beside you
Your breath against my ear
When your lips touch my forehead I wish to leap out of my skin
That now burns from your touch
Wanting to now be inside you more than I can stand
Wanting you inside me
Our lips finally meet as everything else falls away
There is no more room
No people, no consequences
No doubt
Just you and I
Entangled in our own desire
Barreling towards a place of ecstasy that when reached…
Smiles spread from ear to ear
And we fall into satisfying sleep
Awaiting the birth of the new day
Oct 24 2005
Wrapped in sheets and the silence of the restless night
You stir and slowly move your body close to mine
Do you think I’m sleeping?
Do you think I don’t realize?
You touch me and my body tenses
And I struggle not to open my eyes
I don’t want to succumb
You’ll have to take me by force
That’s only if
You can catch me before I run screaming out the door
You’ve noticed I’m awake
And the dreaded act begins
You may have taken my body
But my soul…
You’ll never win
Oct 27 2005
as hard as I try I can't seem to scrub off the stench that your fingers have left
dirt that can't be seen by anyone else but eyes that are mine
did I ever really want you touching me
I think I said I did
But honestly I don’t remember
Was it my head
My heart
Or the alcohol that told me I did
And you
Who are you to think that you have the right to ever put your hands on me without me being fully aware
You say that you like me
And say that you care
But I can't see one ounce or trace
that proves that what you say is true
so what am I to think then
am I to think that you really do like me
and you really do care
or that you just wanted to sleep with me
and I wasn’t putting up much of a fight
I yelled
And screamed
And kicked in my head
But I don’t think any of those words actually came out
Or actions came across to you
So who do I have the right to be angry with
Do I have the right to be angry with me
Me who kept quiet
And had all these feelings in her head
And words she wanted to say
And things she didn’t want to do
But did nothing to stop them
Or you
Who gave me alcohol and gave me lines
And let me believe that I was doing something worth while
It’s a question I may never know the answer to
And a subject I may never get to tackle
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tackle this topic until I get the dirt off
Feb 05 2006
Are you in?
Or are you out?
You say you are in
But your actions speak of a different story
We don’t seem to view the act of being in the same
I long for you to be in the way I am
Excitement should rise over the sight of each other
I yearn for the episode that seemed to end a few weeks ago
You use to take me in your arms
Covering me with kisses
Burning with a desire to smother the other with hot breath
And words of love
Pulling at clothes until the only option left
Is to shed our outer bodies
Or have the seams shredded
Feb 06 2006
I want to tear into your soul
Discover all your dark corners
Rummage through your locked closets
Maybe then I’d stand a chance at understanding
Who you are
Why you treat me this way
If you truly love me
Cos I can't keep guessing
And I can't keep up with the game anymore
Feb 10 2006
Got a world full of illusions
Got a barrel full of lies
And you spend so much time hiding
That you no longer realize
When your telling a story
And when you’re telling truth
It makes it hard for me to say
That I know the real you
Feb 10 2006
Its strange how the cloak of night
Turns the length of a paperclip
In the length of a football field
Just one inch
Two and a half centimeters fall between us
But for all I know
You are dreaming on the other side of the world
An ocean
A chasm
A thousand miles
Lay them all together
And that’s how far away you are
When in reality
It’s nothing more than a thin sheet with one fold
Feb 10 2006
I swear I’ve been here before
Maybe it was in a dream
For I can't seem to recollect
These strange faces
And this unfamiliar scene
Yet you all seem to know my name
It terrifies me
You tell me to dance
To join you in your mad romp
I do so
For I fear your ridicule
But I don’t recognize you
You are all aliens |
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| regret |
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| 12:05am 09/08/2005 |
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thoughts keep rising
untriggered
unwelcomed
images of past events
feelings you cant describe
meshing together
in an uncoherent
unrecognizable
jumble of confusion
powerless to them
suffering through
could this be?
no impossible
sworn to never happen
ignore
ignore
keep fighting..... |
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| 02:02am 24/07/2005 |
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No one ever seems to notice
Or even really seems to care
When there are tears in your eyes
Cracking of your voice
Or when you’re not even there
These people that surround you
Reciting words of love and protection
They don’t even see you cracking
Watch you slowly destroy yourself
And don’t think you need an intervention
If they realized that you did
Which I know you do
Would they give you a second glance
Lift a finger to help
Or continue to let you struggle through
Are your friends really your friends
Are they people that you can trust
If you are still sitting there pondering this question
Re-evaluation of these friendships is a must |
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| 02:18pm 27/05/2005 |
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all the hopeful and promising words
that get whispered in the intimate setting
of stars and the night sky
fade into nothingness
moments after you receive
the physical pleasure
that was the underlining theme
of your supposed heart felt words
i should have known this to be true
the instance i smelt a faint trace of
liquior on your words
and then tasted it on your lips |
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| 12:31am 27/02/2005 |
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let me know
youve shown me
you can still touch me
you can tease me
you can thrill me
and you can please me
you can excite me
and you can bring me tears of joy
you can fuck
but let me know
can you still make love to me |
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| 11:42am 24/02/2005 |
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you say you are afraid for me
i believe this be a lie
why would you fear for me
you say its fear of causing me pain
and that statement right there
thats what makes your intentions a lie
if you fear hurting me
then things between us now would be different
but i have this theory
this knawing painful theory that i wish wasn't there
i think youre afraid of me
afraid to fully love someone
afraid that i'll one day leave you
afraid to let someone in
cos you've been left before
and i've hurt you before
i just want some honesty from you
and motives that are true |
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| 08:37am 26/10/2004 |
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mood:  lonely
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its funny how a nickname for you
turned into the task that i always do
everytime we met again
everytime we speak again
stitching up the pieces of my heart
that we both continue to tear apart
every chance we get
adding to the pile of regret
that we been slowly building through the long breaks inbetween the stitching i must do
when ever i'm close to you
i need my heart to be whole
just so that you'll know
that it still belongs to you
despite all that we do
that leaves it in pieces on the floor
it'll never be whole again
till you say the words that will mend
and melt the torn stitches
into the very tissue
thats so fragile from the years that it's known
how much love it can hold inside for you |
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| 08:03pm 12/10/2004 |
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how can i love you?
how can i trust you?
can there be love without trust?
is love more than physical touch?
how will i know
when you finally grow
from the point of physical
to the point of love thats real |
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| 12:09am 16/09/2004 |
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the bed seems so much bigger
now that you arent here to lay in it
i imagine yours isnt
youll find someone to replace me
but i'll lay here
in the big empty bed we made together
struggling to catch your scent
even though you havent been here for so long
its getting fainter
the day i can no longer find it
will be the day of my last breath |
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| 09:56am 05/09/2004 |
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and so now like many before you
you choose to fade into the distance
instead of fighting to prove feelings you say to be true
you fade while struggling
to leave the impression of what will save face
you try to remain half nice guy/half victum
but in this you are neither
the victum is me
for i am the one who denied our demise
in the hopes that you would change
i am the one who had dreams and a part of my heart rejected
you are not a nice guy either
if you were a nice guy
you would never have tried to make me change my dreams
changed who i was
into the kind of girl who wouldnt want a relationship
that builds towards a future
you would have let me go sooner
instead of continueing to feed me lines about "us" being ok
so now you just leave
taking a part of me with you
a part that i know you dont deserve
but i can never get back
a part i know you'll only neglect
for you never truely cared about it in the beginning
hurry and fade if you please
from my sight
my mind
my heart |
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| 09:29am 25/08/2004 |
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actors on a stage
playing the part of the one you desire
did you fall for the actor?
or the role that he performs?
can you tell the difference?
are they one in the same?
will your love for the role stop you from finding someone real? |
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| 09:56pm 23/07/2004 |
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for once in my life
i wish my heart
would agree with my mind
for then at least once
i wouldnt be on
the edge of waterfalls
sleep would come easy
and rest could be reached
as well as peace
so if you truely care
why must you insist
on keeping the feud
why must you
fill my head
with doubts
while at the same time
fill my heart
with hope of a future |
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| 03:34am 13/07/2004 |
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with me still
i can still feel you here
we are still tied together
connected by unseen strings
faded over time
but still strong
when i'm alone
thats when youre there
keeping me company
and no matter what
or with who my life i may share
nothing can ever compare
to what we've been though
for a part of me
your part of me
shall always be with you |
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| 11:58pm 24/05/2004 |
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if you asked of me
i'd will away
the feelings inside me
that i hide today
ones you'll never know
though you'll never ask
ones i'll never show
though if i did you cant tell
you cant read me
i cant read you
if public we dont fit
but in your room its perfect
and even though this silence i hate
being away from you is more than i can take
so i keep quiet me dreams
of waking by you each morn
and i struggle to take it day by day
for its my promise to you that ive sworn |
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tenderyears's journal